I’m a proud Momma to what I affectionately call The Monkeys. My oldest, and only son, is 8 years old. His Highness is the calm before the storm. Behind him are our three gorgeous daughters, ages 6, 3, and 5 months, who I refer to as Sassy, Teeny Tiny, and the Bean. Together their personalities closely resemble the cast of Jackass. I have literally spent the last nine years either pregnant or changing diapers. And that’s a LOT of poop.
Yes, they are all mine, yes, they all have the same father, yes, the father and I are still married, and yes, we do know what causes this. We are just exceptionally good at it.
While our family is larger than the average, we are completely normal… normal being a relative term. Let me tell about some of our enemies...
THE DUGGAR FAMILY (TLC): The Duggars bother me, and not just because their oldest son and his wife practically filmed hours of hand porn during their dating episodes. When it comes to educating America on life inside a big family, the show is misleading.
While I wish I could be as sweet natured as Michelle, and never raise my voice to my husband or children, I just can’t. Then again, I also don’t have teenage daughters to help cook all our meals, wash our 18 weekly loads of laundry (which is a domestic enemy to every mother, in and of itself) and watch my babies all day. Perhaps if I could borrow Michelle’s oldest daughters a few mornings a week, I would have more patience with the little howler monkeys who keep begging for sippy cups to be refilled and goldfish to crush on the freshly vacuumed carpet.
APPOINTING A LEGAL GUARDIAN: In the event that (God forbid) something should happen to us both… When His Highness was born, both sets of grandparents would proudly be appointed his legal guardian should something happen. I couldn’t stand the thought of filling out a legal document, stating who was to raise MY child, MY pride and joy. My husband and I argued for days over who would do the better job, both throwing each other’s families under the bus.
Fast forward seven years, and now, instead of arguing with my husband, I’m arguing with the couple we named legal guardian… “What do you mean you only want His Highness and Sassy?? So what you’ve got two kids of your own! Fine then... We’ll see if his aunt will take a few of them.”
PUBLIC OUTINGS-- This is a three part enemy.
A.) Herding Chimpansloths
Getting out the door to go anywhere, whether it is school or amusements parks, takes an act of congress. Instead of “herding turtles” to our gas-guzzler, I feel much more as if I’ve just herded a cross breed of chimpanzees and sloths. While I know the chimp part of their brain is indeed intelligent enough to locate a matching pair of shoes, put them on their feet (“Wrong feet or not, I don’t care, just put them on and let’s GO!!”) and walk to the car, the sloth part of their bodies always seems to take over, making my simple request of finding two shoes (“Matching or not, I don’t care, just put them on and LET’S GO!!”) and getting in the car nearly impossible.
B.)Paparazzish Encounters
Once we arrive at our public destination, there will no doubt be onlookers and gawkers, craning their necks to see and count just how many kids I have in my van/grocery cart/sunscreen assembly line/restaurant booth/etc. It’s sort of like having paparazzi following you all the time, only instead of shouting, “Who are you wearing?” You get to pretend you give a rip about all the “Well-meaning” commenters and their questions like, “Have you thought about how you’ll put them through college?” --Are you offering to do so? Then why is it any of your business? “You’ve got your hands full.” –Thanks, I hadn’t noticed. “Better you than me.” –Yep, my kids would agree.
C.)Humiliation: Public outings with this number almost always results in embarrassing encounters involving one or more members of the motley crew. It never fails. I’m always sorry I take them out in public. For example, when Sassy was three years old, she asked me very loudly in the check-out line during rush hour at the grocery store, “Momma, what smells like button-eggs?” Stupidly, I asked him to repeat his question, since I had no idea what button-eggs were. (Amateur.) Holding her nose she repeated, even louder, “NOT BUTTON-EGGS, Momma. BUTT and EGGS! Something smells like BUTT and EGGS!” At the same time she was assaulting me with embarrassment, I got a whiff of the man standing in line in front of us. Two thoughts immediately came to mind: How in the world did my three year old put those two items together to make such a description… and second, how did she do it so accurately?
GUILT: It’s the common thread that bonds our sisterhood together as Mothers. For me, guilt rears its ugly head daily, leaving me to doubt my capabilities to handle such a fun and spirited group of children. After a long day of Chimpansloth Herding, when my babies’ daddy is off doing daddy/husband/helpful things, I don’t always make time to read “justonemorestory pleeeaaaasssseee” nor do I always explain as sweetly as I should that Mommy is exhausted and just really needs for everyone to close their eyes and go to sleep. Some nights it comes out more like the foot stomping temper tantrums I’m always fussing at them for throwing. After they’re all in the bed, and the house is quiet, I stare mindlessly at reruns on Nick at Nite. That’s when the feelings of inadequacy begin to haunt me. “Am I doing a good job? Do they all know just how much I truly love them? Did I even make eye contact with the middle one…. Oh, what’s her name.. Sassy?” The truth is, while Satan loves for those feelings of doubt to creep into all of our hearts, only we can push them out, and remember, there’s nothing to feel guilty for. Siblings are a gift. Tomorrow is a new day. And no matter how today went, I can always do better tomorrow.
Even though I don’t have the help of Michelle Duggar’s daughters, I wouldn’t trade my life for the world. While a large family may bring with it an abundance of domestic enemies, it also brings an abundance of LOVE. Every day I get to wake up to four times the hugs, kisses, and snuggles. I also get to do the greatest parts of Motherhood four times over— hearing the heartbeat for the first time; kissing booboos; blowing raspberries on their bellies until we’re both laughing so hard, neither of us can breathe; watching my husband rock a cranky kid to sleep, then falling asleep himself, with that child locked tightly in his embrace; seeing the wonderment each child finds with the simple things in life. Those things, no matter how many times over you do them, never get old. These children are my greatest teachers, and most certainly my greatest blessings.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
What I Won't be Wearing this Fall
I spend a fair amount of time flipping through fashion magazines, window shopping, and watching shows geared toward fashion and makeovers (guilty pleasure). I probably should spend more time catching up on cleaning, or laundry, or studying but that is a post for another day. While I generally know what the trends are, I rarely follow them. I much prefer sweats, my comfy clothes. So here is what I won't be wearing:
Anything Menswear Inspired:
I have no desire to dress like a man. And it isn't flattering.
Brogues/oxford shoes:
Goes along with the menswear...I don't understand the appeal of these.
Fur:
Apparently, fur is all the rage this fall. Can you even imagine me putting this on to go to my son's football games or to pick the kids up from school?
Calf Length Hemlines:
Frumpy McFrumpy!
Ponchos:
See Calf Length Hemlines.
Liberty Boots:
I cannot figure out this trend for the life of me...Little House on the Prairie? Pioneer? Amelia Earhart? Not for me.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Marathon?
In April 2010, I crossed running a half marathon off of my bucket list. I wasn't in it to win it...I just wanted to finish. And I did, in 3 L.O.N.G hours! That is including the 25 minutes I spent waiting in line to pee. (That was also the line where I was told that true marathoners just pee on themselves. Eh, no thanks!) My time was much slower than I was hoping, but realistically I did not train for speed, just distance. At times I'm sure that most could walk faster than my jog but aside from my potty break I swear I ran the full 13.1 miles! I figured if people were peeing on themselves, running with bloody nipples (yes, I said nipples...Google it) and bloody ankles then I had no reason to complain. So here I am again...contemplating another half, at least. (Eventually I would like to cross the 26.2 off my list) It will be a little harder this time, I have had a baby since then and my body is pretty deconditioned. But I learned so much about myself. I learned that you can make time for anything that you have a passion for. I have never set such a goal. At the finish, despite the soreness in my bones, I felt good and happy and I want that again. So....who wants to train with me?!
Ready to go!
Making sure my laces were tight!
The End! Did I mention that the last 5 miles it was raining, hard?!
Ready to go!
Making sure my laces were tight!
The End! Did I mention that the last 5 miles it was raining, hard?!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Riddle: Does Muscle Weigh More Than Fat?
Come on you know you have heard this and may have said it yourself: Does muscle weigh more than fat?
When asked immediately I come back with the snarky answer: of course not! Five pounds of muscle weighs the exact same as five pounds of fat. Five pounds is five pounds, yes?
I’m being obnoxious, I know. The riddle is actually a play on words.
The following picture can illustrate a more accurate answer much better than I can:
What you are looking at is a replica of 5 lbs. of fat and 5 lbs. of muscle. When put on a scale, they do weigh exactly the same. HOWEVER, they look a whole lot different. And they do on our bodies as well.
The fact is, the five pounds of fat has a whole lot more VOLUME than muscle. Although they weigh exactly the same, the amount of space fat takes up is significantly greater (and it’s a lot bumpier!). Just look at it! Holy cow. Whenever I think I don’t want to do lunges, I just think of that glob of fat hanging off my backside and I start lunging away.
It has always interested me when two people weighing exactly the same, one who has a low percentage of body fat and one who has a high percentage of body fat, stand side by side. Typically, the one with the lower amount of fat and higher amount of lean muscle will be much smaller. Their clothes sizes will often be 2-4 sizes smaller as well.
With lean dense muscle, the inches are reduced. Losing fat and adding lean muscle will change the composition of your body and sculpt like nothing else out there.
I’ve always said, I don’t care if I weigh as much as a two ton semi truck, if my clothes are fitting well and measurements are where I know they should be — then who the heck cares what the number on the scale says!
My point is this: we’ve got to choose — do we want more muscle or fat? It’s one or the other. Of course, I’m not talking about walking around looking like some ultra masculine version of ourselves with muscles busting out of our sleeves, veins popping out in our necks and traps up to our earlobes. NO! I’m just talking about the long, lean, healthy muscles we were born with. We might as well put them to good use by strengthening them regularly and getting them to work for us instead of letting that fat take over.
The benefits of lifting weights and building lean muscle are many. Not only do muscles rev up the ole’ metabolism and give your body the strength it needs to function optimally, they are are INCH REDUCERS to boot!
When asked immediately I come back with the snarky answer: of course not! Five pounds of muscle weighs the exact same as five pounds of fat. Five pounds is five pounds, yes?
I’m being obnoxious, I know. The riddle is actually a play on words.
The following picture can illustrate a more accurate answer much better than I can:
What you are looking at is a replica of 5 lbs. of fat and 5 lbs. of muscle. When put on a scale, they do weigh exactly the same. HOWEVER, they look a whole lot different. And they do on our bodies as well.
The fact is, the five pounds of fat has a whole lot more VOLUME than muscle. Although they weigh exactly the same, the amount of space fat takes up is significantly greater (and it’s a lot bumpier!). Just look at it! Holy cow. Whenever I think I don’t want to do lunges, I just think of that glob of fat hanging off my backside and I start lunging away.
It has always interested me when two people weighing exactly the same, one who has a low percentage of body fat and one who has a high percentage of body fat, stand side by side. Typically, the one with the lower amount of fat and higher amount of lean muscle will be much smaller. Their clothes sizes will often be 2-4 sizes smaller as well.
With lean dense muscle, the inches are reduced. Losing fat and adding lean muscle will change the composition of your body and sculpt like nothing else out there.
I’ve always said, I don’t care if I weigh as much as a two ton semi truck, if my clothes are fitting well and measurements are where I know they should be — then who the heck cares what the number on the scale says!
My point is this: we’ve got to choose — do we want more muscle or fat? It’s one or the other. Of course, I’m not talking about walking around looking like some ultra masculine version of ourselves with muscles busting out of our sleeves, veins popping out in our necks and traps up to our earlobes. NO! I’m just talking about the long, lean, healthy muscles we were born with. We might as well put them to good use by strengthening them regularly and getting them to work for us instead of letting that fat take over.
The benefits of lifting weights and building lean muscle are many. Not only do muscles rev up the ole’ metabolism and give your body the strength it needs to function optimally, they are are INCH REDUCERS to boot!
Things I don't get
Young men who insist on wearing their pants so large they have to permanenty dedicate one hand to holding them up.
Women over a certain age wearing mini-skirts, short shorts in public. If you have to *ahem* readjust your inseam...they are too short. (Worst, wearing inappropriate clothes to your child's games/activites.)
Ongoing yard/garage sales. If you set your stuff up everyday, you're running a business. At some point you are going to have to throw your junk away!
Mompetitors. "My daughter started walking at 9 months, potty trained right after her first birthday, can read and right before 4, blah blah blah."
Owning an expensive car (you know with pretty paint job, big wheels) and parking it every night in front of a shack. This is especially worse when children apparently live there.
Selffish smokers. Yes, I respect your right to harm your body. However, I would like to be able to make that decision for myself and my kids. Don't smoke next to the enterance of a public building, in cars with children, in homes with children, etc. It stinks. You stink. And I don't want to. Please and Thank You!!
Hoarding of any kind. Don't buy things you don't need, take it home (throw it on a table or in a box), forget about it, then buy again because it's on sale. Just because it is on sale/clearance does not mean you need it.
Lazyness. Do not complain that you need help with something that you aren't willing to do by yourself in the first place. (Worst yet, you aren't willing to do it when help arrives.) You got yourself there, figure it out.
Handle bar mustaches.
People with that foamy saliva built up in the corners of their mouth as they speak. (They have got to feel that...ugh)
Unnecessary product upgrades, e.g., the scented handles on the package of disposable razors.
People who are neither playing beach volley ball nor water skiing, but still insist on securing their sunglasses with those chum things.
What things stump you?
Women over a certain age wearing mini-skirts, short shorts in public. If you have to *ahem* readjust your inseam...they are too short. (Worst, wearing inappropriate clothes to your child's games/activites.)
Ongoing yard/garage sales. If you set your stuff up everyday, you're running a business. At some point you are going to have to throw your junk away!
Mompetitors. "My daughter started walking at 9 months, potty trained right after her first birthday, can read and right before 4, blah blah blah."
Owning an expensive car (you know with pretty paint job, big wheels) and parking it every night in front of a shack. This is especially worse when children apparently live there.
Selffish smokers. Yes, I respect your right to harm your body. However, I would like to be able to make that decision for myself and my kids. Don't smoke next to the enterance of a public building, in cars with children, in homes with children, etc. It stinks. You stink. And I don't want to. Please and Thank You!!
Hoarding of any kind. Don't buy things you don't need, take it home (throw it on a table or in a box), forget about it, then buy again because it's on sale. Just because it is on sale/clearance does not mean you need it.
Lazyness. Do not complain that you need help with something that you aren't willing to do by yourself in the first place. (Worst yet, you aren't willing to do it when help arrives.) You got yourself there, figure it out.
Handle bar mustaches.
People with that foamy saliva built up in the corners of their mouth as they speak. (They have got to feel that...ugh)
Unnecessary product upgrades, e.g., the scented handles on the package of disposable razors.
People who are neither playing beach volley ball nor water skiing, but still insist on securing their sunglasses with those chum things.
What things stump you?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Amen!
11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but Nick Jr., the Disney channel or Sprout for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's Sprout?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but Nick Jr., the Disney channel or Sprout for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's Sprout?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)